God, Wife, and Struggles

If pregnancy has taught me anything it’s that there are times that I need to slow down. I’ve been very busy these past few months. I have taken on a part time job and I nanny for three different families. I do find my self happy when I am at those places but I also find my self thinking of what is next and how much I still have to do.

Our pastor in the past has preached about being “busy” and how we can use that as an excuse to try to not connect to others and how we actually grow further from God because our attention is elsewhere.

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself in a situation where I had a fever and didn’t feel well at all but I was scheduled to work for a family. I cried as I sent a text telling them that I would not be able to work due to illness. They were super gracious and understanding (specially, since I take care of their kiddos). The next week, I had to do the same to another family because I got a stomach bug. Again, I found myself distressed because I had to tell them that I couldn’t work.

I see now that was a little bit ridiculous. Most people don’t cry because they have to cancel due to illness. You see, I don’t know why but I find myself worrying about what the family is going to do because I cannot work. I put others happiness and priority over mine. I don’t like to disappoint or let someone down. I find myself apologizing about everything. My husband frequently reminds me that I do not need to say “sorry” constantly.

As we get closer to having the baby, I’m starting to realize that sometimes it’s okay to take a step back and say, “I can’t do this.” If I show up to work sick, there is a chance that the kiddos would also get sick. Then, the parents would have to deal with the consequences of me deciding to work while sick.

Although for me, at the time, it felt like I was making a selfish choice in telling them that I couldn’t work. But in reality, my husband was right there trying to explain to me that it would be more selfish of me to work.

When I was finishing high school, I was considering going on a 9-month gap missionary trip. This was the same year that my family was going through a divorce. I had a youth pastor give me a hard talk. In that talk he mentioned something that has stuck with me since then. He said something like, “If you go on this mission trip, are you looking to help the people in the community that need it? Or are you going to end up bring your team down because you have not yet healed from your pains?”

18 year old me didn’t realize that I was trying to escape from what was going on in my life. I was going to get other people “sick” because I had not yet recovered. In the same way that we take care of our body, we have to take care of our spiritual self too. I cannot expect my spirit to continue pouring into other peoples lives, if I am not take the time to refill and restore.

After Jesus fed the 5,000 He said this,

²⁶ Jesus answered them and said, “Truly, truly, I say to you, you seek Me, not because you saw signs, but because you ate of the loaves and were filled. ²⁷ Do not work for the food which perishes, but for the food which endures to eternal life, which the Son of Man will give to you, for on Him the Father, God, has set His seal.” ²⁸ Therefore they said to Him, “What shall we do, so that we may work the works of God?” ²⁹ Jesus answered and said to them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in Him whom He has sent.” ³⁰ So they said to Him, “What then do You do for a sign, so that we may see, and believe You? What work do You perform? ³¹ Our fathers ate the manna in the wilderness; as it is written, ‘He gave them bread out of heaven to eat.’” ³² Jesus then said to them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, it is not Moses who has given you the bread out of heaven, but it is My Father who gives you the true bread out of heaven. ³³ For the bread of God is ^[i]that which comes down out of heaven, and gives life to the world.” ³⁴ Then they said to Him, “Lord, always give us this bread.”³⁵ Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; he who comes to Me will not hunger, and he who believes in Me will never thirst. ³⁶ But I said to you that you have seen Me, and yet do not believe. ³⁷ All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out. ³⁸ For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me. ³⁹ This is the will of Him who sent Me, that of all that He has given Me I lose nothing, but raise it up on the last day. ⁴⁰ For this is the will of My Father, that everyone who beholds the Son and believes in Him will have eternal life, and I Myself will raise him up on the last day.”
John 6:26-40

I find it easy to forget to feed/take care of myself, spiritually. But Christ, Himself, reminds us that it is not because of our actions but rather what He has done that we are able to continue doing everyday life. So, I know in these next two months I will find myself in situations where I once again need to step back and say ,”I can’t do this.” But that’s going to be okay.

Image by Derek Robinson from Pixabay