God, Wife, and Struggles

Trigger warning: The following blog talks about infant loss and the emotions that may come with it. 

The following blog was written a month ago after we learned of the unexpected passing of our new niece. As you will be able to tell, my thoughts are not fully there, I hope you are able to put pieces together.

Due to the sensitivity, I have decided to not put details about them. I spoke to my sister-in-law and got her permission to post this. 

                                                                                                                                  – Veronica

I had never experienced grief for a person before. I understood it and expected it to come in time. Jethro and I both have older family members that one day we will most likely mourn for but when that time comes you brace yourself and think, “They lived a long good life.”

You know the saying, “There is a name for a child who’s lost their parent but there’s not a name for a parent who’s lost a child.” I realized today that the reason for that is because when that happens it’s indescribable.

I didn’t expect to feel the shock, numbness, denial, and depression so quickly. Now, I’m just left in exhaustion. The physical and mental exhaustion. My brain is filled with this fuzziness that I’ve never experienced before. To put it in perspective it feels like I’m watching everything through a black and white static filled TV. There is almost even a sense of guilt to this grief. My baby is healthy and strong.

My heart is broken. It’s in pain because they are in pain. I share their grief but it’s only a fraction of what they are going through. My husband put it in simple words, “You expect an old person to die but not a baby.” And that’s true, the world we live in has so many advanced medical procedures that infant mortality rates are at an all time low. So in our brains, it’s not supposed to happen this way.

…

You get to thinking of all the “what-ifs” and start to spiral. This child was supposed to grow up but then I remember. God has a perfect plan. It may not be what we were expecting but it’s perfect. I know that this sweet baby girl is in heaven and we will get to meet her one day. I have no doubt about it.

Surrendering our lives to Jesus means this. To, literally, put my life in his hands and give it to him. But man, that’s hard and it doesn’t make these situations any less painful.

O soul are you weary and troubled
No light in the darkness you see
There’s light for a look at the Savior
And life more abundant and free

 

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there
Over us sin no more hath dominion
For more than conquerors we are

 

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

 

His word shall not fail you, He promised
Believe Him and all will be well
Then go to a world that is dying
His perfect salvation to tell

 

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

 

                                                                                                      Helen H. Lemmel

“And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace.” Lord, thank you, for being merciful and glorious. For allowing us to have our faults and feel this way. I know that your plan is perfect, even though it may pain me. I pray for the parents of this sweet baby girl. Give them the strength they need to get past this. Give them peace in their hearts and minds. Let them rest in you, Lord. As Easter passes, I pray that they are able to rejoice through the sorrow. I hope they are able to remember that you died on the cross so that one day we get to be with Him and they will get to see their baby girl again. Please, bring healing to our hearts as the whole family process this. In Your name, Amen.

….

A hopeful note:

I spoke to my sister-in-law a week ago. We laughed, we cried, and sometimes we were just silent. As I spoke with her I couldn’t help but thinking, “Wow, she is strong.” There is beauty in their faith. And as she explained what had happened to her children when they got home, their apologetics did not fail them. 

She told me about how she felt when her baby girl went with Jesus. “I felt God. He was there with us when He took her.” 

Reminds me of the “Footprints in the Sand” poem. Time and time again we will go through those storms in life were we can’t see two pairs of footprints but as we look back we realize that it’s only because he was carrying us at the time.. I’m so glad she was able to recognize that moment; when she and her husband were being carried. 

Slowly, they will find their new normal. But for now, they are taking it day by day. 

Please, feel free to contact me if you want to talk through your similar situation or if you just want to talk through it. Let’s make sure that society is aware that this is still happening.