In August 2022, I started therapy. I was not sure what I was struggling through, but I knew it was essential to understand and process it. All I knew was that I STOPPED FUNCTIONING as soon as I became a mother.

When Roger was born, I did not know how to be a mother. While I have a mother and grew up with a stepmother, I did not experience that “bond” with them. So when it came time to be a mother, I knew I loved my child and would do everything I could to protect them. I did not know how to care for them. The Lord has blessed me with such excellent motherly roles that I had an idea of what I was doing, but I felt like I was just going through the motions.

Breastfeeding was going terribly, my house was a mess, and while I lost weight after having him, I felt the worst I have ever felt. While I did not want to admit it, I was depressed, anxious, and suicidal. Luckily, my husband was able to take a month off and realized quickly that something was very wrong. While I had given birth to a life, I lost mine. This was the first time I realized… I NEEDED HELP.

Then, I got pregnant again. While a little faster than anticipated, we knew it was God’s plan. We were happy, but I was in denial for two months. Eventually, symptoms grow stronger, and there is no ignoring the significant changes happening in your body. That summer was the first time I considered searching for some professional help. I had not done a great job transitioning into motherhood, and I was unsure what going to two would do to me. But I was still not ready to really take on that mission.

Joseph turned out to be a great baby. Ate like a champ! I knew what it felt like to give birth and was open to different ideas; I originally wanted an unmedicated birth. Meanwhile, my house… Still a mess, and I didn’t know how to cope with difficult situations or stand up for myself.

Knowing that I wanted more children, I convinced Jethro to start trying for a third during a covid lockdown (limited activities for us to do 😉 ). Joseph was one, and I felt my body was ready. This time around, in postpartum, I went to pelvic floor therapy and learned about my body to keep it strong. Jasper arrived in our arms nine months later. But this time, I had new tools in my toolbox. I decided to actively look for a therapist that summer before giving birth.

See, after Joseph was born, we lost a niece 24 hrs after she was born. While I knew that that horrible situation could happen to anyone, I did not expect it to happen to our family. This pregnancy was going to be different for me. A new anxiety began to grow. And while my faith was still entirely in God, my human body sometimes betrayed me. I wasn’t sure how to work through my new fear and anxiousness. So this time, more than before, I really set out to find someone to help me process. I emailed a couple of good postpartum/birthing time trama/mother-specific therapists and asked if they were accepting new clients or knew of someone who was.

This is how I met my therapist, Raquel. She is a Christian, a Mexican, a mother, and a woman. Who could help me with the psychological parts of life and the hard cultural parts of being a first-generation Mexican woman in the United States. God answered so many prayers by providing me with her. ❤

During the beginning of our sessions, we started to tackle those complicated topics that were causing me to fear my birthing time. So that when the time came, I knew how to cope with a difficult situation that I did not expect. My birthing time took an unexpected turn soon after Jasper was born. He was not breathing well of his own accord, and his blood pressure was doing funky things. My nightmare was becoming a reality. Jasper was taken by multiple nurses 10 minutes after being born. Jethro quickly left to be with him, and my doula stayed to be my advocate.

I remember thinking, “I cannot get out of bed right now; there is nothing I can do to save my child’s life.” He was in the best hand at that time. I am not a doctor or nurse. As capable as I might be, this was not a moment to step in. So, I used the coping skills that Raquel had recently taught me. I could not control the situation, so I let go. I allowed my body to do what it needed; I still had a placenta inside of me! I asked Joyce to advocate for me as she knew all my wishes for my birthing time.

At that moment, I lay there, crying and praying. Pleading for my son’s life. Those nurses took such good care of me. They asked me how they could help, and I asked for hot chocolate. My nurse went as far as to raid the doctor’s station and find me what I wanted. Then, while I still cried, two nurses helped me with my first after-birth pump. My body was exhausted, overwhelmed, and confused, then it shut down. I just closed my eyes and took a nap.

A couple hours later, I came to and found my doula next to me, still advocating. I could not love that lady more! They told me it was time to transition into the NICU with Jasper. I then spent the next 6 days in there with him.

I don’t think I would have had the courage to find the help I needed if not for the Lord, who kept putting it in my heart, and for all the courageous women around me encouraging me. So that when the time came to go through something that I did not expect. I had the things I needed to care for myself and my son. I thought I would be taking a break from Raquel after Jasper was born, but boy, was I wrong. I quickly texted her to set up our next appointment.

So maybe you’re in a place where you need that extra encouragement. Let me be that for you. I believe that God has provided us with science, medicine, and many other things that can be controversial. It’s HOW we choose to use it in our lives and WHO we let speak into our life. Had I not been speaking with someone who had the same beliefs, the same culture, and was a woman, I may have gotten some horrible advice. But because I chose to look for someone very specific and the Lord provided, I have been blessed.

Take that leap of faith. And if that first therapist doesn’t work for you, find another. Pray about it and be still and listen.

PSALMS 46

God, the Refuge of His People.

For the music director.A Psalmof the sons of Korah,set to Alamoth. A Song.

1God is our refuge and strength,

A very ready help in trouble.

2Therefore we will not fear, though the earth shakes

And the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;

3Though its waters roar and foam,

Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.Selah

4There is a river whose streams make the city of God happy,

The holy dwelling places of the Most High.

5God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;

God will help her when morning dawns.

6The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;

He raised His voice, the earth quaked.

7The Lord of armies is with us;

The God of Jacob is our stronghold.Selah

8Come, behold the works of the Lord,

Who has inflicted horrific events on the earth.

9He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;

He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;

He burns the chariots with fire.

10“Stop striving and know that I am God;

I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth.”

11The Lord of armies is with us;

The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE